ramble on.

So here I am, 6 months into corporate life and do I like it?
Hell No! I feel as insignificant as ever, like a drop in the ocean, like any other fish in the sea…and I don’t buy into the million drops- make an ocean concept. That’s not how the corporate world works. It’s the many drops of sweat that make the fat salaries of the sharks above. True we will get there some day but I am failing to see the point of getting there, as each day passes by.
Have I become smarter?
I guess so, at least less rusty than what my grey cells were in college. But at times, I can really hear the music in the distant land, I can see a pristine beach with white sand, I can hear the waves in my head…I can blank out during a client call and then come flailing back into reality to see the stares of my manager and colleagues. A long errrrr…..and then my manager fills in the rest of the err-encrypted message. Smart he is!
Be there wherever you are, was something mom always told me…but that’s my toughest challenge…to be there..and it’s not because I have got an attention span of a fruit fly …if they have one…I think they do, have you seen how they rub their sticky palms before they feast on sugar crystals, and how they hover over a crumb till they get swatted down…I hate the sound they make…ZzzZZzzzz….It sends the heebie jeebies down my spine…just cant stand it…but yes, where was I? How can I be there ma ?…when it doesn’t …it doesn’t fascinate me. It does interest me no doubt. I am an analyst and I look into numbers which tell me a story. It tells me about a honcho who’s buying my client’s product and there he suddenly dumped us! Tough luck…but why…and there’s a pattern. A set of these honcho’s have been attending conferences and jazzy stuff paid for by my competitor. That means limos, 5 stars, wine and a lot of media attention. Wouldn’t hurt to shift would it? Will it be a short term or long term effect? Or maybe my client’s product has a flaw he has not shared with us yet. I am an undercover number crunching snoop dawg!

Yes it does interest me…but my ego starts acting up. Hello? What about me? What about us? Does HE, whoever your client is, know you exist..? To that I proudly say, Yes yes, he does! In fact, he was really impressed by an idea I gave in a client call the other…
Oh really? He might be impressed but he expects it, because he’s paying you for it. Who’s idea is it going to be when he rolls it out to his sharks?
Mine!
Lil miss fantasy queen, its going to be your firms. Oh no..it gets better. It is going to be HIS.
What’s your point? What do you want from me…I’ll prove myself and I’ll climb up this bean stalk.
Does it really change lives? (Echo)
I frown. I am upset now.

That’s my point it doesn’t. It doesn’t make a kid tug at my hand and give me the most beautiful grin. That kid is still going to be clearing my dishes as I leave that tiny restaurant to catch my train for a visa interview. It’s not going to let another girl study because she will not have light from 4 in the evening till midnight, after which there will be no other go but to wait for the sunshine. It is not going to make any one smile 

And I try to shhh my conflicts and my existential soliloquy and fall into a troubled lack luster slumber.